Friday, 20 June 2008

Infanticide Should Be Legal.......

....if the child concerned is eighteen or older.

If I have not murdered LeeLee by the end of today, then miracles DO happen and I am due to be beatified!

If I do murder her, then Richard reckons I will get off because it would be classified as a 'justifiable homicide'.

Get a cup of tea and pull up a very comfy chair - this post is going to go on for hours!

Today is LeeLee's proper exam for her French Bac (written). Straight off I can tell you that I now know that when she is nervous, she babbles.

Even when she is meant to be eating her breakfast (fruit salad) and whilst I am saying - COME ON OR YOU SHALL BE LATE for the umpteenth time.

She set her alarm for 4:30am this morning. I set mine for 5:00am just to check that she had actually heard her one and got up.

The exam was at Clermont l'Herault (some distance away) and was due to start at 8:00am. A coach was therefore laid on to take the students, leaving Bedarieux at 6:45am.

LeeLee had to be at the coach stop for 6:15am. Because of the babbling, we finally left in the car at 6:10am. This was after I had run through all the obvious - got your pens? Plenty of spare ink? A biro? Ruler? sweets/water? etc....

Still with me?! Yawning yet?!

On the journey, my dear little cherub asked if I realised that I would have to drive her to the oral exam next week since there was no coach, and the conversation went as follows:

Where is the exam?
In Clermont of course.
Do you have the address?
You don't need an address! It is at the lycée there.
Which lycée?
The big one of course!
What is it called?
God knows - it will be easy for you to find.

A few minutes later, she started wondering if she was meant to have brought some paper for the exam.
What?! I exclaimed, rapidly trying to think of a shop that might sell the stuff at the crack of dawn.

She then wondered if maybe students had to present an ID in order to get in the exam room.
For goodness sake, I fumed, didn't they give you any instructions?!
She assures me no.....

Finally, as we entered Bedarieux, she wondered whether the coach was actually picking them up at school (where we were headed) or at the train station that I had driven passed a couple of kilometres before.
WHAT! screeched I.

A not-very-impressed mother then calmly (so as not to make LeeLee even more on edge than she was already) suggested that we would continue to the school and see if the coach plus everyone else were there. If not we still had time to turn around and go ALL THE WAY BACK to the station.

I also said that if there was still no trace of the coach, she could use her mobile to phone Richard, and he would hobble over to the piece of paper on the fridge and see if he could find any details.

The silence from the passenger seat beside me was deafening.

LeeLee admitted in a very quiet voice, and fully prepared for an explosion from me, that she had no credit at all on her mobile.......even though she had promised faithfully before I went to England that she would put some on it.

We arrive at the school. It is deserted. No coach, nothing.

I turn the car around, in even louder silence.

Half way to the station, LeeLee spots a class mate and launches herself out the car door and accosts him in the street. Turns out he thinks we need to be at the school, so around I turn the car again.....

Finally bundled onto the coach, and as I wish her good luck, she tells me that she was pleased it had been me driving not Richard. At least I am patient and calm in times of stress.

I drive sedately back home and see about getting Nic off to school. No problems whatsoever with that one.

I then made us a cup of tea and had just decided to go back to bed for a couple of hours, since it was only 7:45am.....

.....when the phone rings.

It is LeeLee.
A frantic LeeLee.
She not only needs ID to be let in the examination room, she also needs the piece of paper currently on the fridge. Can I get them to her in time?

I grab keys, my driving licence/money and head for the door. Then remembered to ask Richard for his mobile....which is nowhere to be found. LeeLee of course was the last person to use it sometime late last night. You would not have wanted to be a Catholic fly on our wall at that point - the language was colourful to say the least.

Half way down the hill to Hérépian, in the car, it dawns on me that she cannot be at school but must be already at Clermont. Which is usually a 55-minute journey and the exam is due to start in 15 minutes.

Bloody hell! Did I put my foot down! Luckily I know the road well, all its many twists and turns, badly cambered sections and also the places where the signs that say the speed limit is 70km/h should also have an extra bit that says:

"and if you ignore our advice - your tyres and undercarriage will be shredded to ruins by the concrete strips we have laid all across the road for the next 1/4 km."

For once, no gendarmes with speed cameras and I arrive in the town (only 30 minutes after I started) - to find absolutely no indication whatsoever of where the lycée might be.

I accost a woman in the high street who tells me I must go round the one way loop. And so I do, into streets that get progressively narrower and difficult for our large 4x4 truck. And still no signs....

I then accost an elderly gentleman who says he has no idea where the lycée might be.

And finally another stranger who tells me to carry on down this little narrow lane.....and sure enough, I find the lycee. And nowhere to park.

I then drive almost back to where I started in the high street, dump the car and start running back the way I had come. To then remember that I had not had time to dress properly and was in danger of knocking myself out with my bouncing boobs! Not a sight to be seen at that (or any other) time of day!

At the lycée I am presented with Fort Knox and an intercom (at the gate) that does not work. Much searching shows that you have to squeeze your hand and arm through the bars and reach round to the button on the INSIDE of the gate.

Once on the premises I am running through deserted corridors until I find a person. Who walks me to LeeLee's examination room.

Where I am told very sternly that they managed to find a teacher who said he recognised LeeLee and had been prepared to certify that fact so that she could start the exam - provided I was on the way with the required items.

I walked slowly back to the car. And drove soberly back home within the speed limit. Never again.....

It is 9:30am. I am knackered already, decide to take a high blood pressure tablet and tell Richard to move over on the sofa - I need a lie down!

LeeLee owes me bigtime. By the time she gets home tonight, she might be wishing it had not been me driving the car today....


Mark said...

Lol:) Been there, done that and got the T-shirt.

Jacqui U said...

Thank god it is not only in our family!